I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
