Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
