Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
