i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
