my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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