I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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