bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
