I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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