i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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