if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
