It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
