the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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