Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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