Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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