Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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