Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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