I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
