I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
