peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
