Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
