i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
