We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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