just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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