I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize