just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
