i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
