I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
