Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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