WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
NoShamevember. You game?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
