There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
