At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
