im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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