I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
