i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
