There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Drake has all the answers
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize