put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
