and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
