Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
