You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
