I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
