I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
