Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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