i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
