I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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