i barfeds in our rink
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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