dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
