I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
