I wish I only lived at night.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
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