What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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