My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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