Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize