In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
