Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
