Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
