Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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