Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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