i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
