that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
