I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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