After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
