Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
