I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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