I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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