If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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