I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize