My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
