I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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