it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
