My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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