Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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