She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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