***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
