The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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